I have been reading a lot of Stoicism writing over the past couple years. It has been very helpful for being in the present and thinking about my future. One of the biggest lessons has been: Memento Mori, remember that you will die.
This sounds like a bummer, but it's not really. Once I am dead, my opinion on the matter will be moot. What I can do is make sure that what is said at my funeral is accurate to the kind of human I want to be.
I have always stressed about how I look. Even before I gained this extra 40 pounds. I got picked on as a kid, never felt like I fit in or belonged. I remember in high school talking about the song Beautiful by Joydrop and someone saying "oh that's the perfect song for you" which still bugs me, though I'm working on letting it go. I have had a desire to be conventionally attractive... but, that desire and train of thought would lead to a pretty dull eulogy
"She was so beautiful on the outside! She could fit into a single digit pant size! She figured out how to do makeup flawlessly".
Jeebus, I do not want that to be the only thing said about me! What a dull person! It will be better instead to focus on my character, which is something I have *much* more control over. So if I take the time to think about what I want to be said about me when I'm no longer here, I have to focus on that now. The daily reminder, that I will die someday, is a good way to focus on working on what I have control over.
And of course, hopefully that day comes a long ass ways away in the future... I'm almost 35 though, the clock is ticking everyday.
Things I want to be said about me when I'm gone (i.e. things I want to work on/get better at):
- "Oh my god I miss her so much!" - said everyone
- She was so thoughtful! Whenever she traveled somewhere she sent things to her friends that made her think of them or brought back the perfect little hings
- She was a hard working and she always made time for friends and family as a priority
- Kaydee helped start a Makerspace in Salem that is still thriving to this day!
- She was all her friends biggest fan, always supporting them in their endeavors, big and small, and being supportive every way she possibly could
- Kaydee was the glue in her friend groups, always making sure that there were get-togethers, often at her home which was already ready for guests!
- Her generosity will never be forgotten, she was really part of the village with no children of her own she really took to heart the saying that "it takes a village"
Hm, what else? Will need to write about this more!
Next step includes taking the best possible care of myself to give me the best chance of making these true statements! This is why self-care is so important... you can't pour from an empty cup!